


All Too Familiar

by whateverhappens



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Romance, One Shot, SPACE GIRLFRIENDS, i am weak for them okay, thasmin, thirteen x yasmin, wlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 22:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17129957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whateverhappens/pseuds/whateverhappens
Summary: “There’s an ebb and flow to the universe. I’ve come to know the rhythm of beginnings and endings very well in my time.”Unable to sleep, Yaz wanders the TARDIS for a distraction and stumbles upon a pensive Doctor in a strange room. As they talk, she gets a glimpse into the Doctor's past. Set after Demons of the Punjab.





	All Too Familiar

Yaz had been battling consciousness for hours. The agitated rustle of her sheets echoed about her room, each desperate maneuver rousing her further. Though at times she appeared successful in expelling the dreadful memories of her nani’s wedding from her mind, grief crept back in and devoured every shred of relief. Admitting defeat, she emerged from beneath the sea of blankets, determined to find some fleeting comfort within the boundless expanse of the ship. If she could not elude her sorrow, she could at least distract it. At this point, any intermission from her thoughts was welcome.

Sluggishly, she dragged the weight of her body toward the door; stumbling over a dusty pair of striped trainers along the way. The persistent drone radiating throughout the TARDIS was joined by the delicate shuffle of her steps as she reached the hallway. Her fingertips ghosted the glowing hexagons illuminating the walls and she began drifting down the corridor. Only a handful of rooms were known to her at the present: the kitchen, bathroom, wardrobe, library, and everyone’s respective bedrooms. The rest of the ship was still uncharted to Yaz and fascination buzzed through her at the thought of discovering what other wonders—or even dangers—could possibly lie within.

After a few minutes of roaming aimlessly, she happened upon a door indented to her right. She stood in place briefly, her hand hovering above the golden switch that would presumably open it. It hadn’t occurred to her that perhaps there was a reason the Doctor hadn’t given them a proper tour of the place and she worried about unearthing something that wasn’t meant to be seen. Yaz often had to remind herself that centuries worth of unspoken mysteries had accumulated behind those seemingly familiar, hazel eyes. 

Still, hopelessly grasping for any slight respite, she flipped the switch. The door emitted a low groan as it rose to reveal a vast landscape of jumbled structures that stretched from floor to ceiling. Each piece of framework exhibited its own unique design, creating a symphony of geometric and organic shapes that danced across the space with an assortment of peculiar bridges, ladders, and tunnels connecting them. It wasn’t until Yaz spotted a silver slide hidden in the back left corner of the room that she realized she’d discovered a playground of sorts. As she scanned the patchwork, she noted more recognizable equipment such as climbing frames and swings scattered throughout. Small lights outlined every rail and beam, transforming each structure into a gleaming cluster of stars.

Her figure stood in the doorway, suspended in awe for quite some time. As she processed the spectacle, she laughed. _Of course_ there would be a playground. Though the initial discovery had come as a surprise, she expected nothing less in retrospect. Yaz opted not to enter the room, determining that it would better serve her at a later time—perhaps when there would be company to enjoy it with. She gave a crooked smile and shook her head as the door closed behind her, amused by the conjured image of Graham careening down the slide after being pushed by Ryan. 

Turning to continue in the same direction, Yaz noticed an identical door just beyond the playground. Now armed with more confidence, she flipped the switch without hesitation. A labyrinth of shelves greeted her and extended further than her eyes could reach, with miscellaneous objects stacked haphazardly on each ledge. As she walked, unusual items caught her eye and she paused to examine them. Among the clutter, she discovered a striped hat box, an emerald paper crown, a silver guitar necklace, and even a miniature, crafted version of TARDIS itself. Enthralled by the arbitrary collection, Yaz wandered further into the aisles. 

She started noticing markers on the floor indicating what appeared to be years. A few steps further brought her to a curiously empty space at eye level on one of the shelves marked 2005. As she contemplated what item was missing, footsteps began to fill the otherwise silent room.

“Hello?” A familiar voice called in the distance. Yaz quickly turned the corner of the shelf to find the Doctor standing at the end of the long aisle.

“Hi. Sorry, couldn’t sleep. I can leave if I shouldn’t be here.”

“No, you can stay,” the Doctor reassured, “What’s got you up at this hour?” 

As Yaz approached, she noted the woman’s unusually sunken frame. Her voice molded around a tinge of concern. 

“I should ask you the same.”

“Oh, I don’t sleep as much as you lot. Only do it every now and then, if I really need it.” The Doctor gave a soft smile that lacked its usual splendor. “What about you? Are you alright?”

Yaz lowered her head. “I can’t stop thinking about Prem.”

The Doctor nodded gently and led Yaz into the space. As she stepped forward, she saw that the shelves broke off to create a cozy room at the far wall. A mess of quilts had been slung over an amber sofa situated in front of a burning fireplace at the center. Photos, letters, and knickknacks—none of which Yaz recognized—were sprinkled throughout. The Doctor carefully shifted a colorful, knitted scarf to the side before she sat. As Yaz settled beside her, the Doctor draped one of the quilts around her shoulders. 

“I know today was difficult,” the Doctor began, her words stained with remorse, “I’m so sorry you had to see that. I shouldn’t have taken you there.” 

“You only did it ‘cause I asked. If anything, it feels like my fault...”

“Why do you say that?” The Doctor leaned forward. Yaz watched the flames dance in front of her as she spoke. 

“It’s just... Prem had to die for me to exist...” 

“You weren’t what killed him, Yaz.”

“But if it wasn’t for me, we could have saved him from what did,” she disputed.

“There were loads reasons we couldn’t save Prem. History is delicate, especially at its turning points. There’s no telling what kind of impact it could’ve had.”

“I just feel like I’m wrong to be here. Why do I get to live when he didn’t? How’s that fair?” Her gaze remained fixed on the flames with unflinching guilt. The Doctor slid closer and rested her hand on Yaz’s forearm. Her eyes snapped to the Doctor’s like magnets at the touch. 

“Yaz, I need you to listen to me carefully. You _are_ supposed to be here,” the Doctor insisted with profound sincerity. “Your existence is an accumulation of everyone’s story who came before you; stories filled with love and loss and heartache and triumph. And some of ‘em ended much sooner than they should’ve. I’ll admit, it’s far from fair, but it’s why we have to keep on… To make sure those stories get told.”

“Actually _seeing_ how everything happened, though… It’s awful...” 

“It is and I need to stress that bit doesn’t ever change,” the Doctor’s faraway eyes drifted toward the fire as she slumped back into the sofa, “I’d understand if you don’t want to stay, especially after today.” Yaz was stunned by how easily the woman’s natural hope abandoned her.

“Oi, you’re not getting rid of me that easily,” she protested, giving her a gentle nudge. The Doctor forced an absent chuckle and swiftly glanced to the bundle of fabric beside her, which piqued Yaz’s interest.

“That’s a pretty scarf. It’s colorful, like you. Is it yours?”

“It belonged to a friend.”

“Can I ask their name?”

The Doctor hesitated, plastering her eyes shut. There was a long breath and brief silence as a single word lingered on her tongue.

“Rose.”

“Did Rose tavel with you, like us?”

She nodded solemnly. Yaz took one of the remaining quilts and wrapped it around the hunched figure beside her. Before pressing further, she did her best to quiet her sorrow, just as she knew the Doctor had done for her.

“What happened to her?”

“Oh, that’s a long, complicated story. Very wobbly, as time tends to be. Put simply, she’s in a parallel universe now.”

“You lost her?”

“Well, sort of, yeah. Not exactly. She was trapped there at first, but eventually she chose to stay.”

“That’s good, right? That she’s alive?”

“Of course. It’s a better life—one I could never give her. She’s still out there, somewhere, being brilliant.”

“But not with you.”

“No, not with me.” A twinge of longing flooded the Doctor’s face. 

“Doctor... I’m so sorry...”

The Time Lord looked down and absentmindedly traced the geometric patterns on the quilt as she spoke. “There’s an ebb and flow to the universe. I’ve come to know the rhythm of beginnings and endings very well in my time.”

“You must think of her a lot.”

“Every day.”

“What made you think of her today?”

“Honestly? You.”

“Why’s that?”

The Doctor sucked in another deep breath before she began. “Her father died when she was just a baby; hit by a car at a wedding. I took her back so she could be with him as he died. As you can imagine, things got messy for a bit. Going back almost compromised her whole existence. I knew it was risky, but I did it anyway and I almost lost her for it.”

“And that almost just happened again.”

“Exactly. Like clockwork.” 

“I’m sorry. I had no idea...”

“There’s no way you could’ve. I’ve lost many people over the years and I’ve even been lost to some. Each time, I swear to myself I’ll do it differently, that I’ll keep my head down and just travel, no friends and no interference except when it’s _absolutely_ necessary. And then, the universe tests me. It tempts me with these extraordinary people who want more… People like you,” the Doctor turned to Yaz, “I fail every time. I take you in, vowing to protect you even though I know it’s a promise I can’t keep.”

“To be fair,” Yaz interrupted, “You did warn us. You told us you couldn’t promise our safety.”

“Yes, but I worry you don’t fully understand the implications sometimes. The wonders of the universe are synonymous with suffering. I can show you the birth of a star but I can’t always shield you from the death of a civilization. People have died under my protection, Yaz. Good people. Long before they were meant to.”

Tears swelled in the corners of Time Lord’s eyes. Yaz began to register just how much of the Doctor’s past was unknown to their team. Comforting someone who had experienced loss of such magnitude was foreign to her, but she linked their hands and let words flow generously.

“When I became an officer, I thought, ‘If I could just save _one person_ , I’ll feel like my life means something,’ but with you, I get to save _whole worlds_. I’m in no more danger with you than I am going into work every day. Well, if I was where I want to be, at least. The point is, I’ve seen and done more than I ever thought possible because of you. I want you to be part of my story, Doctor, no matter how it ends.”

The Doctor’s expression sparked into a hopeless yearning. Yaz’s sincerity had breathed the life back into her smile.

“And here I am, failing again. Right on schedule,” she sighed.

“Failing is human.”

“But I’m not,” she quipped.

“You don’t have to be.” Yaz grinned. Their gazes locked and they sat quietly for some time, letting the whir of the ship soothe them into a trance. The Doctor caressed the back of her hands as she opened her mouth to speak. 

“Yaz, I–”

Before she could finish, Yaz closed the distance between them. 

Their lips crashed softly, sending ripples of warmth ricocheting through the pit her stomach. She tangled her fingers in the Doctor’s hair as they moved in synchronicity. The air around her was laced with cinnamon and lemon, which she traced back to the golden silk in her grasp. After a moment, they broke away, exhilaration still buzzing beneath Yaz’s skin. 

“I’m happy you wandered in here tonight,” the Doctor concluded as she stroked her cheek.

“Me too.” Yaz began eyeing the room while her body caught up with her thoughts. “What is this place anyway?”

“I call it the memory wing,” the Doctor explained, swinging her arm around her and letting Yaz nestle into the crook of her neck. “Details become muted when you’ve lived as long as I have, so I try to save as much as I can from my travels. It’s a way of keeping everything—and everyone—with me. The room’s a touch more organized than the last one, thankfully. Finally sorted by year this time around.”

“So, all of the things in here are from people you knew?”

“For the most part, yeah.”

“Did this sofa belong to someone?”

“Oh no, just one the TARDIS put in when she remodeled. It’s quite comfy, but I do wish she’d made it purple. I’d love a nice purple one.” The Doctor flashed a goofy smile, infecting Yaz with one as well.

“And the quilts?”

“Ah, these beauts are actually from some quilting bees I took part in back in…” her face scrunched as she scanned her thoughts, “1832! Amazing thing, quilting bees. Lovely company and fantastic food!”

“And you’ve got all this next to a playground?” Yaz chuckled. “You’re full of surprises.”

The Doctor snapped away from her, looking perplexed, “What playground…?"

“The one just next door.”

Her eyes narrowed as she slowly shook her head. “There’s no playground next door.”

“I was literally just there,” Yaz emphasized.

The woman's brows rose with delight. “Oh, no _actual_ way!”

“What?”

The Doctor yanked Yaz’s arm and began to frantically lead her down the aisle. She paused after a moment and ran back to retrieve the scarf before continuing. They stopped in front of the empty space on the shelf marked 2005 and the Doctor folded it gingerly. After setting it down, she brought her fingers to her lips and pressed a soft kiss into the fabric. Once that was done, she dragged Yaz out of the room in a frenzy.

The door to the playground groaned once more and the Doctor’s leg bounced impatiently as it lifted to expose the interior. Her eyes widened in awe of the sight. 

“She built another room! Amazing!” The Doctor spun around to face Yaz. “This wasn’t here when I went into the memory wing. Oh, thank you, love. Really. It’s brilliant.” The Doctor beamed at the ceiling as she caressed the doorway.

“Why’d she just now build it?” 

“She must’ve seen a couple of sad lumps up late with heavy hearts. It’s for us!”

“You’re joking. She does that?”

“Of course! It’s like a gift. Oh, she’s outdone herself this time, though,” the Doctor grinned. “She must really like you. Can’t say I blame her.” 

As they entered the room, their hands laced once more. They ambled through for a few minutes before the Doctor darted in the direction of the slide and flung herself down it. Unable to slow her momentum, she dove into the ground with a loud thud. A cackle burst from Yaz’s lungs as she sprinted to follow her lead. Before the Doctor could register what was happening, Yaz crashed into her. Giddy with excitement, they explored the constellations of the playground. The two trailed behind one another, stumbling through tunnels, swinging from bars, and joking along the way. As their energy dwindled, the Doctor’s eyes lit up and she skipped toward something before calling out.

“Look, Yaz! A purple hammock!”

“Even better than a sofa!” She giggled at the Doctor’s amusement.

They climbed in together, tangling their limbs and resting the weight of their bodies unreservedly on each other. A mixture of cinnamon and lemon permeated the air once more and Yaz curled into the Doctor’s hair. The lights of the structures pulsated as they lounged, enveloping them in a warm, soothing glow. She glanced at the Doctor and followed her gaze up to the ceiling.

“Are those the stars?”

“A projection of them, I think. Some of the rooms show the sky above wherever we are at the time.”

“And where’s that?”

“Absolutely no clue,” she shrugged, shaking her head confidently.

“We’re not lost, are we?” Yaz smirked, raising an eyebrow.

“Not lost! Never lost,” the Doctor sighed contently, pulling Yaz closer, “Just exactly where we should be.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically a result of me wanting the usual conversations about the Doctor’s past that are missing from s11, as well as me recently remembering a headcanon I had about a memory room in the TARDIS that eventually became canon. I also just needed some more Thasmin in my life. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
